calories Burned During Sex
The Act of Insertion | If the man is ready (same vice-versa) | | 1/4 calories | | If the woman is not (same vice-versa) | | 274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size | | 22 calories | | Oversize | | 15 calories | | Tremendous | | 8 calories | | Teensy-weensy | | 163 calories |
Positions | Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) | | 20 calories | Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) | | 25 calories | | From the rear (Mysterious variation) | | 40 1/2 calories | | Standing: Both partners of equal height | | 18 calories | | Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man | | 90 calories | While in traction
(very useful during ski season) | | 124 calories |
Locations | On a bar stool | | 20 calories | | Rear of a Honda Civic | | 38 calories | | In a phone booth, standing | | 14 calories | | In a phone booth, lying down | | 274 calories | | On an airliner, aisle seat | | 24 calories | | On an airliner, middle seat | | 42 calories | | On an airliner, window seat | | 30 calories | | On an airliner, in the lavatory | | 100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse | Bouncing | | 7 calories | | Sliding around | | 9 calories | | Serious Skidding | | 12 calories | | Full cartwheel | | 20 calories | | Whiplash | | 27 calories | | Knee burn | | 6 calories | | Chafed elbows | | 5 calories | | Chafed nose | | 11 calories |
Sex Related Noises | Short gasps (per gasp) | | 3 calories | | Wheezing | | 5 calories | | Squeals | | 4 calories | | Ecstatic moaning | | 11 calories | | Low growling | | 8 calories | | Squishing | | 10 calories | | Shouting | | 16 calories | | Screaming | | 18 calories | | Urgent begging | | 22 calories | Any short speech giving partner directions
(" lease don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) | | 25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm | Letting go | | 5.5 calories | | Controlling yourself | | 79 calories | | Digging nails into your partner's back | | 11 calories | | Trembling | | 15 calories | | Shaking | | 20 calories | | Shuddering | | 25 calories | | Trying to keep eyes open | | 33 calories |
Orgasm | Real | | 27 calories | | Faked | | 160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale | Expression didn't change | | 1/2 calorie | | Face turned purple | | 15 calories | | Orchestra swelled | | 6 calories | | Magical explosions | | 10 calories | | Blazing Sheets | | 25 calories | | Earth moved | | 30 calories | | Vesuvius erupted | | 47 calories | | You began moaning in Latin | | 60 calories |
Pulling Out | After orgasm | | 1/4 calorie | | A few moments before orgasm | | 500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
| For women: | | | | 2 | | 14 calories | | 5 | | 30 calories | | 8 | | 47 calories | | (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) | | | | For Men: | | | | 2 | | 21 calories | | 3 | | 39 calories | | 4 | | 57 calories | | (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.) | | |
Special Orgasms | Clitoral. | | 15 calories | | Vaginal | | 21 calories | | Penile | | 21 calories | | Scrotile | | 15 calories | | Rectal | | 25 calories | Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal) | | 30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation* | During insertion | | 2 calories | During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) | | 5 calories | | During foreplay | | 3 calories | Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) | | 4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
| For Women | | | | Frustration | | 8 calories | | Anger | | 15 calories | | Violent mood swing | | 20 calories | | Surpressing rage | | 25 calories | Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) | | 65 calories | | For Men: | | | | Cursing | | 10 calories | | Apologising | | 3 calories | | Snivelling | | 5 calories | | Pleading for mercy | | 8 calories | Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) | | 15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning | | 6 calories | | Palpitations | | 10 calories | | Shortness of breath | | 5 calories | | Perspiring | | 8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex | A less-than-sunny desposition | | 1 calorie |
Recovering | Un-entwining | | 3 calories | Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) | | 7 calories | | Standing up | | 9 calories | | Getting some juice | | 11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) | | 18 calories | During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) | | 32 calories | During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) | | 12 calories | | Avoiding the wet spot | | 80 calories |
Trying Again | If the woman is ready | | 5 calories | | If the man is not | | 156 calories |
Dreaming | Regular dream | | 2 calories | Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices | | 16 calories | Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) | | 20 calories |
Group Sex | Introducing yourself | | 3 calories | | Overcoming shyness | | 8 calories | | Swapping partners, willingly | | 4 calories | | Swapping partners, unwillingly | | 62 calories | Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are) | | 16 calories | | Mixed doubles | | 26 calories | | Being nice to everyone | | 100 calories | Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) | | 10 calories | | Finding your clothes | | 5 calories |
Masturbation | For pleasure only | | 6 calories | | For exercise, too | | 10 calories | | For relief from tension | | 12 calories | | To pass the time | | 7 calories | | To avoid overeating | | 16 calories | | To get in touch with inner self | | 10 calories | | To get in touch with outter self | | 10.5 calories | | To avoid insanity | | 24 calories | To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) | | 9 calories | | Using your hand(s) | | 11 calories | | Using your finger(s) | | 9 calories | | Using tweezers | | 2 calories | | Using an inflatable doll | | 24 calories | Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) | | 19 calories | | Using a vibrator, hand-operated | | 12 calories | | Using a vibrator, windup | | 9 calories | | Using a vibrator, electric | | 5 calories | | Using anything not mentioned here | | 50 calories | | In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket | | 2.5 calories | | In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat | | 78 calories | | In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat | | 3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears | Partner hates me for what I did | | 4 calories | | Partner hates me for what I didn't do | | 8 calories | | Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual | | 10 calories | | Climaxing too soon | | 5 calories | | Climaxing too late | | 6 calories | | Not climaxing | | 20 calories | | Partner thinks of me as a sex object | | 9 calories | | Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object | | 47 calories | | Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm | | 88 calories |
Personal Fears | Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm | | 6 calories | | Stretch marks that look like a plowed field | | 8 calories | | Penis envy | | 72 calories | | Body odor of a disgruntled yak | | 25 calories |
Getting Caught | By partner's spouse | | 60 calories | | By your spouse | | 60.5 calories | | Trying to explain | | 165 calories | | Stuttering | | 28 calories | Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) | | 40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught | Trying to remain calm | | 100 calories | | Fright (includes trembling) | | 66 calories | | Leaping out of bed | | 25 calories | | Getting dressed in one large motion | | 300 calories | | Thanking partner quickly | | 2 calories | Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn't open | | 15 calories | | Landing | | 1 calorie | | Running very fast | | 50 calories |
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发表于 2009-4-25 14:41:55
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