jokes

红娘子

Role PlayingThree women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted toward how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion , they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said: "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said: "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said: "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled: "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

红娘子

Pulling An All-Nighter

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.


"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"


"There is," he replied: "Breakfast."

红娘子

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.


The blonde says: "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"


The guy says: "Yea, he licks pussy."


So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. The blond says: "Well? What's up?"


Talented Frog

The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says: "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

红娘子

A Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.


"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted, and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.


"What took you so long to answer?"


"I was in bed."


"What were you doing in bed this late?"


"Getting a second opinion."

红娘子

Sex Talk

A drunk goes into a bar and sits down. "Hey bartender," he says, "can we talk about politics?"


The bartender says: "No way! If there's one thing we don't talk about in here, it's politics."


A little while later the drunk says: "Hey bartender, can we talk about religion?"


Again the bartender says: "No way! If there's one thing we don't talk about in here, it's religion."


A few moments go by and the drunk says: "Hey bartender, can we talk about sex?"


"Sure," the bartender says. "That's fine."


"Good," the drunk says. "F*ck you!"

红娘子

For the Sake of Decency

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Olaf demands.


"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," his wife replies.


The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says: "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties.


"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!" Patrick exclaims: "You've no knickers. Why not?"


She replies: "I can't afford any on the money you give me."


Patrick reaches into his pocket and says: "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.


"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" he asks.


She too explains: "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."


The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says: "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... tidy yerself up a bit."

安静

游人: A Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.


"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted, and sto

红娘子

The Morning After

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2:00 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backward and lands flat on his rear end.


That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.


A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.


The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.


"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"


"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."


"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"


"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"


"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

红娘子

Nun Better

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.


"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you," he says.


"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God," she replies, and then leaves.


Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says: "I know a way you can get her in the sack."


The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3:00 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.


The next day at 3:00 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says: "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."


She replies: "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However, because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."


The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over, he whips off his outfit and says: "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus!"


With that, the nun turns around and says: "Surprise I'm the bus driver!"

红娘子

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"


"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."


"Well,” said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"


"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.


"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow: "My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”


"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say 'NO'!"

红娘子

The Alibi

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.


"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."


Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"


"That was my husband," she replied.


The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.


"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

红娘子

Extra Protection

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly, it starts raining, so the one who is smoking takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.
"What are you doing?" her friend asks.
"I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom," she replies.
"Where did you get it?" her friend asks.
"At the pharmacy," she replies.

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom.
"What size?" the clerk asks.
"I dunno," she replies, "one that will fit a camel."

红娘子

Shoo Fly

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scot took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irishman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled: "SPIT IT OUT!" "SPIT IT OUT!"

红娘子

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

红娘子

No Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day, another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there: "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the married couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back: "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down: "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back: "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son of a gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!"

红娘子

A Hole Behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied: "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached the woman again with the same request.

She said: "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said: "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied: "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered. "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said: "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.