英译 马致远 [越调]天净沙 秋思

八十一子

马致远
[越调]天净沙
秋思

枯藤老树昏鸦，
小桥流水人家，
古道西风瘦马。
夕阳西下，
断肠人在天涯。

Ma Zhi-Yuan
Sky-Clear Sands
Autumn Thoughts

To an aged tree, vine-choked, leaves fallen, home a few crows at dusk.
By a small bridge over a stream, dwells a homestead.
On a deserted road, in westerly wind, stumbles a horse, wasted.
Under the western sky immersed in sunset,
A broken man, cast to land's end, carries on his odyssey.

八十一子

继续努力抛砖引玉 ...

马致远
[越调]天净沙
秋思

枯藤老树昏鸦，
小桥流水人家，
古道西风瘦马。
夕阳西下，
断肠人在天涯。

Ma Zhi-Yuan
To the tune of "Sky-Clear Sands"
Autumn Thoughts

To a vine-choked, leaf-less old tree, home a few crows at dusk.
By a small bridge over a stream, dwells a homestead.
On a deserted road, a wasted horse stumbles in westerly wind.
Immersed in sunset under the western sky,
Cast to land's end, a traveler carries on, heart-broken.

云天

八十一子先生雅兴.  好译学习了.  :)

偶从前正巧试着译过, 还有幸得到逸士先生指教. 贴上来凑个热闹.

天净沙.秋思
马致远

枯藤老树昏鸦，
小桥流水人家，
古道西风瘦马。
夕阳西下，
断肠人在天涯。

Sky Clear Sand . Autumn Thoughts
Ma Zhi Yuan
Translated by Yuntian

Withered vines, old trees, and crows in the dusk
Small bridge, flowing water, some cottages
Ancient road, west wind, scrawny horse.
The evening sun setting in the west
A heartbroken man is far away from home.

Note:
Sky Clear Sand: A tune of ancient poem.


我的头稿:
Withered vines, old trees, crows in the dusk
Tiny bridge, flowing water, some cottages
Ancient road, west wind, scrawny horse
The evening sun setting in the west
A heartbroken man at the edge of the sky.
----------------------------------------------
逸士先生写道:

TINY太小了。SMALL即可。在天涯這樣譯﹐外國人會笑的。所以並不能句句直譯﹐得
考慮英文通不通﹐懂不懂。AT A REMOTE PLACE。如果推究下去﹐可說IS FAR
AWAY FROM HOME。所以斷腸。

當中文詞語在英文中找不到對應詞語時﹐就得意譯。

-----------------------------------------------
第二稿逸士先生有否指正, 我不记得了.

八月风

Old trees choked with wine, crows in the dusk
a small bridge over the stream, a few cottages stand by
Westward wind blowing on ancient road, wasted horse wondering
The sun is setting down to the west,
Heartbroken man thousands miles away from home

语婷

好可恶啊～～～
见到这种好玩的。。。就象嘴馋的人看到了不用嚼就可以咽的红烧肉～～

钻进来混一混。
我觉得云天以前那版，挺好的。。。就是SKY EDGE。。。有点太远了。
试试我这个？：-）

Note in Autumn

Withered vines, old trees, crows in the dusk
Small bridge, flowing water, little cottages
Ragged road, West wind, a scrawny mare
The sun was falling
While the heartbroken man was traveling

八十一子

西语译中国古诗词实在难！不知道用梵语或波斯语会不会好一点儿？
这首秋思，还有那首幽州台，真是很难做到简洁。云天和语婷的尝试都好极了。
换一个思路再试一试：

[越调]天净沙
秋思
马致远

枯藤老树昏鸦，
小桥流水人家，
古道西风瘦马。
夕阳西下，
断肠人在天涯。

To the tune of "Sky-Clear Sands"
Autumn Thoughts
Ma Zhi-Yuan

A few crows on a vine-choked old tree
A household by a small bridge over a creek
A bony horse, a beaten path, westerly wind
Dipped in the setting sun
A man cast away at land's end, broken

八月风

从各位的美译那里都借一点，再试一次:

Withered vines, old trees, crows in the dusk
Small bridge, running stream, dwelling place
Old road, west wind, bony horse
Sun setting down to the west
Broken man at the ends of the earth